Well thankful I never really gave this blog to anyone to read and I can feel like a shmuck all on my own that we fell of the diet so hard and for so long. I kept offering the fruits and veggies to the kids which, since they started out on that, they still love dispite all of the greasy irresistible standard american foods we've introduced to them. But the nagging hasn't let up. The anxiety over this nagging feeling has become second nature...and until today I forgot I was living with it.
Over last general conference I kept a journal near me...and wrote things I had been praying about. Mainly my lack of ability to control my food choices. Every talk I wrote down anything I felt could be advice towards my question and I was absolutely astounded how many pages I filled. And in the end, I knew I had my answer. This is going to sound ridiculous to anyone but thankfully this is more like a journal right now without any followers. I knew that I needed to repent. This sounds crazy but I've known this strong feeling about our diet was not about my extreme desire to lose weight. I can feel them separately. If I knew I was not going to lose any weight I know this nagging feeling would still be there. I've thought about it but not done much over the last couple months. I've studied more and stayed close to the spirit. I knew I needed to use the atonement to help me with what the spirit has been asking me to do but I wasn't sure how.
Then last night...it hit me. Jordan has had to use the 12 step program for his various addictions at different times in his life. And my contradiction pointed right to that word. Addiction. The fact that I feel overwhelmingly strongly the need and desire to change our diet forever...yet I cannot find the ability to give up the yummy processed foods....is very simply Addiction. And last night as I prayed I knew I had put it together. The LDS 12 step recovery program ...teaches us the process to overcoming physical addictions using the power of the atonement, the power of repentance. I've learned through my study that I truelly am breaking the spirit of the lords law the word of wisdom when I overeat and eat unhealthy disease promoting foods. So duh!
Well I began last night and started on step one. Today I'm not overwhelming myself with recipes or "what will we eat" worries. We just kept it simple fruit for breakfast and spinach/peach ice cream and a sandwhich for lunch....but it hit me as the kids we're gobbling down the spinach ice cream with no concern over it being green.....that the weight of anxiety was disapted....I didnt even hardly notice it anymore...but the knowledge that important nutrients were reaching my kids bodies..and mine...gave me such peace that I again feel the power to resist for the moment.
I'm keeping a 12 step journal like they ask. And I'm going to do all the steps. I'm going to try this this way...and see if we can overcome together with the lord through the atonement. Something that seems like overkill and drama to most people...consumes me each day when I'm not trying and gives me peace and stillness in my life when I am. So I could care less what people might thibk about it. Yes we will go out to eat for dads birthday tonight. I can learn to make better choices even at restaurants for me AND the kids.. And the kids love salads...yes they love them with ranch right now but bless Dr fuhrman and his yummy dressing recipes! We will find one they love;)
I feel excited, and ready to not rely on my own power to resist anymore. I feel ready for change. I hope 2014 is my year.
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